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[05 Apr 2005|04:56am]
Fawk it. Everytime I attempt to create a new account, it never goes anywhere. I am updating this sheet...I need to go use the camera-phone for new pics. Plus I am going to make EVERYTHING from the past PUBLIC. Fuck it...again-
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Chuckie is the Speed Queen [23 Feb 2005|03:22pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I am so damn tired. I really need to update this journal. I keep going back and fourth between re-vamping this one, or saying screw it, creating a new one and start from the begining. Why is Jerry Springer on? Where in the hell is Noan? What ever happened to Arkarna? It would be so much eaiser to take 2 Oxycotin per day, as opposed to 6 Roxicodone 15mg. I am in so much pain that the Roxi's are not even touching it...I even took some Motrin 800mg, despite them making me sick as hell. Well at least they don't make me as sick as Methadone. Thank God I am not taking those anymore. Bleh. I am drinking the last Ruby Red Squirt. If anyone is in the area, a freakin' Dr. Pepper would be nice <----soda junkie. I need to quit with the soda though. I could seriously stand to lose a good 20 lbs. Then I would get back to my ideal weight of 118 lbs. I suppose I am not doing too bad for having a 4 year old, a 3 year old, and 10 month old twins. I am surely back to pre twin pregnancy weight, but I want to be back to pre Dallas pregnancy weight. I suppose there are more important things that I should worry about, but I cannot think of anything substancial at the moment. I need some good music. I need a new CD player. My damn DVD/VCR thingy will play my CD's, but it makes me listen to them from the begining. It recognizes separate tracks, but just to be a shit head, it makes me either listen from the start, or I have the option of fast forwarding track by track to get to the desired song. 2 problems, the DVD player is in my room, the DVD player in the living room is a crack whore and won't play my CD's, and Chuckie's CD player is in his room. What the hell am I supposed to listen to in the bathroom, the kitchen, and most importantly, the damn living room (Wiggles and Blue's Clue's theme, excluded...). I could play 'em on Patty's computer, but it sounds about as good as Dallas's little kid's CD player thing with the mic that you can roam about with. Roam about? Where in the fawk am I from today? I need to e-mail Ryan after I clean the living room. Well, Imma go start on my house-mouse duties so that I can piss the remained of my day away cleaning things I already cleaned 5 times because my kids want to drive me insane. Ahhh...the joys of motherhood-

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DAMN... [04 Feb 2005|09:59am]
I have not posted in this lj for 2 or 3 years! I am still not all into the lj thing, but I think it'll be somewhat amusing to compare myself now to the me, then. I dunno.
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[12 Dec 2002|11:23am]
*Guess who's back...back again...Kristian's back...tell some men...rub my back, rub my back, rub my back, rub my back...*

So...Seeing as how I don't talk to most of you anymore anyways...I don't use my journals as I am sure you all can tell...I also changed my e mail address...I am in the process of moving this to a site...so if any of you would like the info...leave a comment.

Some LJ People I want to say "Wasubi" to:


Yeah...see...I know most of you in "real" life...so...I could say hey anytime I suppose lol...but you are the only people I really talk to on lj...anyhow...so yeah...In one week my accounts will be gone and one big phat lk conglomeration of ME...whoooo! Yeah...I heart lj-
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[23 Nov 2002|09:01am]
My new journal/poety journals are up...if you would like the link...comment to this. My journal is friends only 99% of the time...hmmm...so this would be why I am asking for comments lol...btw...I will just paste my "poerty" and "quotes" lj on this, it will be a free for all...just don't want to fill up my journal with extra stuff...yeah, so it is...
http://www.livejournal.com/~distortedentity isn't that just the coolest name? Yay me for thinking of cool names...don't you just wish you could be as kick ass as me? jk...:P If you're already my friend for my new journal. No need to comment...I got chya covered...yay...
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[15 Nov 2002|05:58pm]
As Chuckie would say: I am going to pick up Daddy *insert Mark's "nyay" here..." I am so anxious...hurry 6:30! I want to leave. It is 5:59...waaa...minute by minute...maybe I will go and watch "Boey" with Dallas to kill some time...Smile...oh, and pray that I don't get pulled over or anything of that nature "knocks on wood" It is a Friday night...and I have to drive through Glendale...*sighs* Ok...I am going...nyay
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[14 Nov 2002|07:46pm]
As I said...I am out. I am hurting beyond all belief and hurting even more that people are yelling at me for letting it get to me. Hi! I am Jessica. I have feelings believe it or not...yeah well I had feelings. They self destructed yesterday in order to keep me sain and out of jail...As I said. I have no fear, only myself. I went to God, but I didn't leave it in His hands, i jumped back into it and made it worse...I suppose that is what I deserve. God gave me conviction for this and it is hitting hard. I am sorry. I cannot go through all of this anymore. My dad is coming back tommorrow, so I am sure, after talking to him and telling him what was said and despite his suggestions, got back into it and said something really horrible. *Cries* Why did I do that? This is completely unlike me...geez. Just because my feelings got hurt, well crushed, doesn't give me the right to go and stomp on someone else's...even if they did cause my hurt. Next time I'll listen...will I ever learn? I am sorry about the abortion comment Barb, no matter what you said, or say to me...I will still be sorry. I am sorry to God for not having more faith...well, showing my faith. I am sorry to myself for obvious reasoning...and well, I am just sorry for it all...even all of the trash that wasn't my fault, because it hurt me...I am sorry that anyone said anything...I am sorry for trying to be nice to Ryan's new girlfriend. I never knew she would think I was trying to sabotage anything...so I am sorry for her assuming. I am sorry for Ryan...that is just case and point. I am sorry for what he said. I am sorry Mandy for them cussing you out and getting you involved...I am sorry to Chuckie for what we both said earlier. I am sorry to Dallas and Johnna for the time I spent typing when I could have been doing something productive, even if you were sleeping. I am sorry Shmirnoff Ice...I have dranked you all-
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[14 Nov 2002|04:27pm]
Here: http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=barbles&itemid=394762&view Im done with this journal...thanx everyone...I apologize for getting you all in the middle of this...I even apologize to Barb and Ryan for anything they may have assumed. Screw it...I'm "outtie"

<3 just jess, not KTP
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[10 Nov 2002|12:04pm]

take free enneagram test
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[08 Nov 2002|11:10am]
I never tried to screw up anything...but tell me...non biased public...if the tables were turned, I have a feeling that this would be even more pointless than it already is...hense...I have been there with Chuckie and Ryan...but if this was about Chuckie...everyone would be freaking out...haha...and I am irrational...you guys kill me...<3 to Chuckie for being above it...
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[07 Nov 2002|07:42pm]
[ mood | drunk ]

So, I am sitting at Sabrina and Al's watching the time fly by. In my attempt to nurse a beer, I spilled some on me. That is about all I have to say. I would rather not drink and try and type something intellectual...sex isn't always your biggest regret in the morning. Thank-you

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[06 Nov 2002|08:47pm]
[ mood | scared ]

I *was* editing my journal...I began to watch Dawson's Creek and was going to X out the break. Then, I found out that Mike has cancer and no more than a year to live. He goes in for surgery on Friday. I feel numb...lost...somewhere in between...I was looking up schools. It looks as if it is either LA or NY...go figure. I was assuming as much. LA seems the more appropriate choice of the two. Perhaps I will shoot for the end of the summer. Who knows. I can't even begin to think about my life at the moment. I feel...I don't know...I am in shock...I think I am going to cry...I am going to cry...ok...I am crying-

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Bio [06 Nov 2002|07:22am]
Ok. My *bio* is now there...I suggest you click the profile to view it, but seeing as how *a lot* of you won't...here it is...I am THE Syntripikal Nemesis. Oh, you wanted something a bit more straight forward, *facts* if you will? Ok. I am an 18 year old "un-wed" mother of two beautiful chicks (Dallas & Johnna). I smoke cancer sticks (although making a *desperate* attempt to quit because they smell and taste like *insert something utterly pukish here*) NOT pot. I do not partake in *most* illigal activities (I stress the *most*, not *all*...hehe). I chose not to drink, nor do I use ANY recreational drugs (although there was a time for both...), YET, I am crazy/insane/wild in my ways. Highly intelligent (although, I do not portray this aspect some, ok, a lot of the time lately), as well as responsilbe. Deep, Charasmatic, Sarcastically Humerous, Intellectually Stimulating, Beautiful-Minded, "trapped in my movie scene", Poetically romantic, star-gazing, dream chasing, Jesus Loving Freak. Your best-friend. Your worst-enemy. MY best-friend. MY worst-enemy. Just. Blunt. Shy in an awkwardly outgoing way. Passionate, Forgiving, Convicting, Devious, Loving, Gentle in my Harshness, Harsh in my Gentleness, Honda Accord driving PUNK. Naturally naturistic with a freakish twist and a *large* side of mysterious bitch. All of the above is thouroughly predictable, *however* I am not. What's that? That's what they all say? You don't say?!?! Prove you wrong? Watch me.

<3 jess (KTP)
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[03 Nov 2002|06:50am]
[ mood | artistic ]

The fallen angels gather round to watch your blissful slumber as you are lying in my bed. Transformed into a man I always knew, ignored. Love is but a distant memory, my only friend. To capture you in your state of distress, my need grows stronger as you fall apart. The stars fall from my eyes, for I am no longer blinded by what could have been. In the present, I desire your self rightious tantrum when the evening is falling short, to rediscover him. I rediscover all that may be, yet all that will forever lack won't let me sleep. I am falling for you, falling from you. My only love, I will let you sleep, far from your worries, distant from me. Your ignorance covers you like a shrowd, and I have captured your oblivion. My syntripikal nemesis can no longer hold, into a downward spiral I fall to your touch. To embrace all which lies beneath your worn cover, to unlock your secrets as if they were my lies. Meant to be. We will dance around the angels in our bliss as one-

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My Deepest Sympathetic Apologies From The Bottom Of My Heart... [28 Oct 2002|01:05pm]
I am sorry. Well, to some of you. I am relaxing, listening to Damaged (by Plumb...Broke Down Palace C.D...yeah, the one I am always listening to...and getting yelled at for?) Anyhow...I gave up on soda...so I am back to my tea. Linley says that you can tell a lot about a person by what they drink and that soda made me a fast paced sweet chick and that normal tea (no lemon, fruity crap or cancer causing sweeteners) makes me a dry, boring, old person. Hehe! 3 yays for that. Hmmm...my mom saw that my Mike's was still in the fridge and was like "why did you buy that if you're not going to drink it?" I said that I did drink some. Like, 2 sips...lol. I am such a partier. Anyhow...I am going to try and get things straightened out this week. I cannot go on with everything up in the air. I have to much on the line to be a basket case. How can I be a good mother like that? Well, I can. But I can't be a great one. The one that Dallas and Johnna deserve...so I have to start letting things go and seriously prioritize. How cute...I am actually making a list of my personal and social life and ordering it...hehe. I am going to put a date at the top and re-eval every two weeks for the next month and see if it helps. It hurts me that everyone feels abandoned by me. I am sorry, but right now I need, well rather, HAVE TO focus...I need to get things right with God, with my family, with Chuckie and Ryan, with my friends. So basically every aspect needs some TLC in my life. It is just hard sometimes because I devote 99.9% of my time and energy to Dallas and Johnna and I am not going to let anything nor anyone get in the way of that. I just don't want to lose me. I am sure that you all know what I mean. If I am not ok, then nothing is ok. I don't know why it works like that, but it does. I am sorry to all of you. I still don't understand why when my life is out of alignment, everyones world collides and everyone falls apart. Maybe there is a logical answer...hehe...maybe I am the "glue" that holds this crap together (giving myself too much credit? hehe...no.) Anyhow...I really don't want to have to be mean, but I can't just let everyone walk all over me...and then tell me how messed up I am. I may be a tad bit messed up...BUT HEY! I AM JESS...I AM CUTE...DEAL WITH IT. Hehe...this is so un-like me...but things are just out of control. I do not understand how they got this way. I am the Martha Stewart of life management...now I am just one big Sid Vicious <3 minus the heroin. Ahhh..finally..Chuckie is on line. Time to set some things straight. Olive Juice <3
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Kate [26 Oct 2002|08:05am]
[ mood | crushed ]

Kate Gillroy began her eternal journey of peace, love, and joy on October 18, 2002 at the young age of 26. Kate left behind her parents, Daniel and Rita; her brother, James (wife Janet); her sister, Kelley; and the love of her life, her beautiful son, Jason, when she surrendered to injuries suffered in an automobile accident in Phoenix, Arizona. An angel looks down on us She smiled and wished our tears away She had left this beautiful world Just the other day She kissed our wet and salty cheeks And assured that it'll be okay Who knew she would leave us So soon, in such a way Now she is much happier Upstairs with the Big Guy But he cannot provide answers He'll never tell us why Destiny brought her to us Our loss may have been fate No matter what, we'll miss her We'll always love you, Kate A memorial service will be held to celebrate Kate's life at St. James Catholic Church (19640 N. 35th Ave, Glendale, AZ) on Tuesday, October 22, 2002 at 10:30am.

Kate (Ben Folds Five)

She plays wipeout on the drums
the squirrels and the birds come
gather round and sing the guitar
Oh I. . .have you got nothing to say
When all words fail she
Her mix tape's a masterpiece
walks through the garden
so the roses can see
Oh I. . .have you got nothing
to say
And you can see daisies
in her footsteps
Dandelions, butterflies
I wanna be Kate

Everyday she wears the same
I think she smokes pot
she's everything I want
she's everything I'm not
Oh I. . .
have you got nothing to say
she never gets wet
she smiles and it's a rainbow
and she speaks and she
I wanna be Kate

Down by Rosemary and Cameron
she hands out the
Bhagavad Gita
I see her around every couple
I wanna see her so that
I can say. . .hey Kate

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Confusion for your pleasure [18 Sep 2002|02:50am]
[ mood | lonely ]

Truth of the matter is, the kids across the street don't make me want to puke...they make me want to cry. I don't understand it. What happened to my movie scene? I do not mean to complain, and I am positive in the saying that good things come to those whom wait...but sometimes I just wonder where my bestfriend is. Where is that missing part of me...in you? The days when the stars will shine so much brighter among us as the world becomes our friend and time becomes our enemy. For one day the world will revolve around you and I...and in that day...you will truly know me. I can no longer play Miss Bad Ass with no emotions, just some sarcastic banter and an all or nothing attitude. Here I am. I am sensitive. I am sentimental. I am "emo." There, I suppose that wasn't so hard, but now is where the hurt comes along. I suppose that it hurts either way...keeping the world out while holding everything within, or opening up to my "raw" emotions, facing them, and take the heart-break full on. I despise admitting that I am emotional. I am sure that everyone knows that my cover has worn way to thin to protect me from hurt. Then again, without risking hurt, you cannot partake in love. So this is my choice. I am open. Take your best shot...I am all mind, heart, body, and soul. I need this. I need to feel again. Numb is a very lonely feeling. This is now whom I am. I am Jessica Diane Martin for Heaven's sake and I am here!!! Don't turn your back on me world. I may be weird, but I know what I feel, and I know that I am not much different from the rest of you. I don't even need your silly chances. I just need a little bit of trust, a little bit of faith, a smile, to find my best friend, and some confidence and all will be well. Someone out there to believe in me...I know my dad does, and I thank him for this...but this is more than a family/parental issue. I believe in me and this is all in which should matter, but I want my messed-up romeo from the wrong side of the tracks to come and take me away on the city bus =) I don't need the horse nor the prince charming...just the real deal and the "moment..." the thought, the effort...the feeling...the realness...that little something extra in which they always leave out of the movies...Here I go, getting all mushy and "girlie" then again, maybe there is nothing wrong with it. I do not need to be this unbreakable programmed rock 24/7...I am just me and it is all in which I am and will forever be...where is my "someone" to accept "me" for all in which I am, all in which I almost am, and all in which I will forever lack? I know you have to put forth effort to receive, but I do not even know where to begin. God, please grant me the knowledge to just simply "know." That is the most in which I can ask for. I do not need to love someone due to needing them, I need to need someone due to loving them. I am not trying to push anything...trust me. I have learned my lessons, but someone out there has to be in the same place at the same time...the same mentallity, the same cry-baby "wawawa" mush...where is the lyrics to my song? Where is the piece to my puzzle? The pea to my carrott...lol. I am patient. Love is patient and love is kind...I am trying...but I refuse to become comfortably numb...I refuse to let all of my hopes, dreams, fears, etc...go to waste because of some mindless insecurity I am carring as baggage for no apperant reason. Tonight (actually early this morning) I let this baggage go. It is 3:12 am and I am letting down my walls and forgiving the past. It is time to move on...so what are you waiting for? Find me...

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I used to be a nice girl...NOW I AM A *cencored* freakin' *beep* [12 Sep 2002|09:39am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Today is like any-other, and something seriously needs to change. All of this off-the-wall, hide how I feel, blow everything off with big words and sarcasm banter is going no where. I am going to mope for a bit and be exactly like those whom I despise. Complain complain complain...and do absolutely nothing about it...then again, if I could just get past this mental, "emo", whatev (dash) block...perhaps I could get back to the matter at hand. Then again, maybe all of this drama is just some pathetic cover-up to hide all of the indecisiveness that is going on. I always viewed myself as this bad girl with an attitude who wasn't afraid of anything nor anyone, now I fear myself. This depth inside of me either needs to be embraced or locked up far far within me...behind these walls of "emo" torment and hidden anger and resentment...other than that I am one happy girl...living my "movie-style" life...the world is my oyster...sometimes I just wish that everyone wasn't so freakin' gullible. I mean come on...on top of it all...Bush was talking about all of the lovey-dovey UN crap...does he not know where all of this will lead? Next we know we will succumb to the UN and take another hellish step toward complete chaos and despair...then again, in turn, this would mean that these are the "end" times and that I will be rescued from this world (despite all of my efforts to save it) and get some sleep...if people only had a brain. None the less, I still kinda like you all...I am crappy, yet optimistic...so this should make for a long and rather banal day of rants...leaving me in the same place as when I began. I need an *epiphany* *grunts* think jessica...think-

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My Pigeon... [12 Sep 2002|08:51am]
[ mood | dorky ]

Although "Valerie" is the song which reminds me of Pigeon the most...I definately think that Anything by Dramarama and this song are the two in which explain "us" in our togetherness the best:

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

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Building A Mystery [12 Sep 2002|08:47am]
[ mood | amused ]

I was asked to chose a song which explained "me"...although an accurate explanation would be a conglomeration of various songs and lyrics...I have chosen this one...

You come out at night
That's when the energy comes
And the dark side's light
And the vampires roam
You strut your rasta wear
And your suicide poem
And a cross from a faith that died before jesus came

You're building a mystery

You live in a church where you sleep with voodoo dolls
And you won't give up the search for the ghosts in the halls
You wear sandals in the snow and a smile that won't wash away
Can you look out the window without your shadow getting in the way

Oh you're so beautiful with an edge and a charm
But so careful when I'm in your arms

'Cause you're working, building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you're working
Building a mystery and choosing so carefully

You woke up screaming aloud
A prayer from your secret god
You feed off our fears and hold back your tears
Give us a tantrum and a know it all grin
Just when we need one when the evening's thin

Oh you're a beautiful
A beautiful f***ed up man
You're setting up your razor wire shrine

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